...I am not okay...


"Death is not the greatest loss in life. The greatest loss is what dies inside us while we live." - Norman Cousins


I don't even know where to start. I haven't posted anything in a while because I knew this needed to be my next post but I was somewhat dreading it. The reason I started this blog is to have a creative outlet but I also want to inspire people. I hope this post touches at least one person and lets them know they aren't alone. Here goes nothing...

My whole life I have always felt different. I never wanted to play outside when I was younger. I always had my head stuck in a book....usually a book that was not age appropriate because I thought I was a grown up. As I got older my relationship with my family became rocky. I haven't spoken to my dad in many years and I have struggled with all the other members of my family. I got divorced this year and something in me snapped. I realized that I had been living a lie my whole life. I tried to portray this image of someone that had it together all the time, someone that was happy. Inside I was dying. To the outside world I seemed fine. People didn't know that I struggled with so many terrible thoughts and emotions. They didn't know that I hated the woman I saw in the mirror or that I would walk into a room and feel like everyone was judging me. I would come home every day and cry for hours. I had been doing that for years really and no one knew. I pushed nearly everyone out of my life for fear of being found out. I even pushed away my husband. For years I lashed out at him because I had so many issues I had never dealt with.  I wasn't prepared to deal with the fact that I had terrible anxiety and I couldn't fight it on my own.

In September I went to the doctor after sharing some of my problems with friends. I told my doctor that I needed help with anxiety. After years of trying to fix myself I was on the verge of giving it all up and running away to start a new life where no one knew who I was. She prescribed me medication. Yes...medication. I know for a lot of people that carries a stigma. It did for me. I was scared I would change too much or I would feel hollow. But the exact opposite happened. I felt free from all of the emotional burden I had been carrying around. I stopped crying. I stopped feeling sad and lonely. I stopped analyzing every conversation I had with other people and fearing their judgement. I have NEVER felt so good in my life. I have many things I still want to accomplish and a lot of relationships I have to continue to work on but I am making progress. That makes me happy. I almost feel like I am getting a second chance at life. I am also very lucky that I have several people in my life that have been so supportive, including people I work with. I honestly work for some of the best people I know. They have been there for me when I thought no one else was and have accepted me and guided me. I am so thankful for that. It is so important to have people in your corner that want to see you succeed no matter what. We all need that.

I wish I had done this years ago. I regret that. I wonder a lot what if I had? How different would life be if I had stopped being scared and pushing people away? Would I still be married? Would I have stayed in college the first time around? Would I have lots of friends? I can't change the past though. I can only go forward and learn to take control of the present. I live day by day. I try to be a better person than I was yesterday. I am by no means perfect but I know now that is totally okay. So yes, I am not okay but I am learning to embrace that. I hope I can touch just one human being's heart with this story. I want you to know you are NOT alone. Don't be ashamed. Take back control of your life. Trust me....you won't ever regret that decision.